Relena, the human timebomb
by ChristopherRA
Summary: ...or: Hitler's great-great-great-great grandson's evil plan to take over the world. 3 chapters planned!
1. Default Chapter

Gundam Wing: Relena, the human timebomb .....or, 'Hitler's great-great-great-great grandson's evil plan to take over the world'   


Notes: This story takes place between the Gundam Wing series and Endless Waltz. I'm German, so please don't flame because of grammar or spelling mistakes, English is my second language after all. But I really did my best. ALSO: this story is only meant for entertainment and not to be taken seriously. Especially the parts about Nazis ^_^;;;; 

Chapter 1 of 3. More to come very soon!   


Chapter 1: Relena, the human timebomb 

It all began on an almost normal day at Heero and Duo's home...   
*Heero is watching TV in the living room, when Duo enters the room*   
Duo: Heero! Something terrible has happened!   
Heero: Hn?   
Duo: It's Relena! She went on an expedition to Pluto with Dr.G a month ago, and they arrived back at Earth today!...   
*Heero interrupts Duo suddenly*   
Heero: So what? I don't care about anything she does, would you please stop distracting me, I'm trying to watch Dragonball Z here!   
Duo: No, please listen Heero! It's very important, Dr.G told me that Relena somehow got infected by a deadly virus on Pluto, but she thinks he's a senile old fart and decided to go back to Earth inspite of his warnings. The problem is, that in 24 hours, the virii will start to multiply inside her body with great speed, until then it's still possible to stop the virus by *hesitates*...killing her.   
Heero: I've been trying to do that for about a year now, and now I'm supposed to succeed in only one day?   
Duo: If we don't, the virus will spread and erase all live on Earth.   
Heero: We can't do it alone, Duo! You will call Trowa and I will call Quatre.   
Duo: What about Wufei?   
Heero: He always pisses me off, we don't need that idiot to help us.   
*At that precise moment Wufei jumps through a closed window into the house, breaking it and showering the floor with shards of glass*   
Wufei: I heard everything and I'm here to help, even if you don't want me to, Yuy!   
Heero: You could've used the door, you bastard, and who allowed you to be stalking us anyway?   
Wufei: ...er...I was here by coincidence.   
Duo: Yeah right, well, you can come if you clean up the mess you've made and pay us for the damage, and keep quiet during the mission, will ya!   
Wufei: grr...   
*Then Heero and Duo call Trowa and Quatre, and the four meet with their Gundams at Sanc Kingdom. Wufei agrees reluctantly to clean up the mess he'd made and to catch up with them later*   
Heero: Ok, I'm for destroying the whole Sanc Kingdom, then she will be sure to be dead.   
Quatre: No need for that, Heero, here she comes straight for us.   
Relena: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOO!   
Trowa: I'll just make the first move...   
*And Trowa fires with his Gattling gun at Relena, but he misses terribly*   
Trowa: ......can't hit anything smaller than a Mobile Suit.... didn't have enough money to buy missiles...   
Duo: Then it's my turn, Relena, the God of Death will finally come for you!   
*Deathsycthe Hell jumps, trying to land directly on Relena*   
Relena: OH WAIT, I FORGOT YOUR LETTER AT THE CASTLE!   
*Relena suddenly changes direction, so Duo's attack misses by an inch, expecting Relena to run forward*   
Duo: Damnit! Who wants to try now?   
Heero: I will, we'll just wait till she returns, then I'll kill her.   
*So they wait for 5 minutes, Relena returns, this time, the pilots let her reach Heero's Gundam, Heero gets out of his Gundam and both approach each other*   
Relena: ...Heero   
Heero: Yeah yeah yeah, listen, I don't care about that stupid letter, all I want do now is kill you *he pulls out a gun*   
Relena: Oh, Heero, I've been waiting so long for this moment! Please, Heero, Pull the trigger!   
*Suddenly, a blond boy arrives next to Heero and Relena*   
Heero: And who the hell are you?   
Blond boy: So, you don't remember me, do you, Yuy? Most people don't know either, I only showed up in Gundam Wing Episode two as a stupid admirer of Relena, you embarrassed me at fencing! Does that ring a bell? The few people who do know me, only know me as the *trembling with anger and speaking through gritted teeth* „Wiener Schnitzel"...hey Relena, today is my birthday party, don't you remember?   
Relena: Oh yes, when is it gonna start?   
Wiener Schnitzel: In 10 minutes.   
Relena: Oh, dear, I'm sorry but I promised...when did I promise to come again?   
Wiener Schnitzel: That was months ago.   
Relena: Right, so I won't be able to be killed by you now, or Wiener will be sad...we have to leave immediately.   
Heero: You bitch! Come back here! *tries to fire at her, but the gun wasn't loaded* oh fuck!   
Quatre: Oh no! I won't be able to show you my cool plan after all, you know, I was going to ask her out on a drink and put poison in her's. It was sure to have worked!   
Heero: No, it wouldn't have. Shut up!   
Quatre: ...okay. 

End of Chapter 1   
  



	2. Relena, the human timebomb chapter 2

Chapter 2 of 3 

Chapter 2: The most dastardly of evil plans 

*Wiener Schnitzel is driving with Relena on his motorcycle*   
Relena: Are we there yet?   
Wiener Schnitzel: For the last time, NO! Now shut up!   
Relena: Ok...........Are we there yet?   
*Wiener Schnitzel raises his right fist to punch Relena, but he doesn't punch her, instead he lowers it again immediately*   
Wiener Schnitzel: Well, we are, actually.   
*He stops the motorcycle, and both he and Relena get off it, they are at an airfield*   
Wiener Schnitzel: Please follow me to that plane over there, my birthday party is taking place in Germany.   
*Two big-boned persons approach the two, then they start punching and kicking Relena until she is unconcious, which didn't take too long. When she is, they punch and kick her some more, then they drag her into the the back of the plane, the two guys and Wiener Schnitzel enter the plane through the entrance of the cockpit. A few seconds pass, until they finally take off.   
*Back at Heero and Duo's, the G-boys are in the living room, Heero is watching news on TV, while Quatre sings a prayer to Allah. Wufei has just cleaned up the last few glass shards and hands some one-hundred-dollar-notes to Duo, Trowa is just sitting around, bored*   
Quatre: ALLLAAAAAH! Please let Relena die, so the Earth will be saved!   
Heero: Shut up! I've just heard in the news that Relena has been missing for the last 3 hours, also I remembered, that Schnitzel-guy's birthday was already last week...   
*the others listen with great interest*   
Heero: So, I think he abducted Relena.*everyone except Heero gasped in horror* ...which wouldn't be so bad under normal circumstances.   
*There's a knock on the door, Duo opens it to find Noin standing in front of the door*   
Duo: Hi, Noin.   
Noin: Hello, I've heard about Relena, and that she must be killed within 24 hours.   
Duo: Sorry, but she's been abducted by that stupid German guy called Wiener Schnitzel, and we have no idea where she is.   
Noin: Zechs does, he has got information from Germany about a secret plan this Wiener Schnitzel guy has developed to conquer the world, he will tell you where to go. Follow me please, Zechs is at a bar right now.   
*The boys take their Gundams and Noin her white Taurus, and arrive at the bar in a couple of seconds, they enter and spot Zechs immediately, he's wearing his eagle-like helmet right now*   
Noin: Zechs, the boys need information from you!   
Zechs: Another whiskey please mr.bartender...oh, hiya Noin, how's it hangin' *Zechs looks as if he had more than only one whiskey before*   
Noin: Not good, because if you don't tell the boys where Relena is, the Earth will be doomed in 20 hours! You see, Relena carries a virus from Pluto, it will grow in her body...   
*inside Zechs's mind thoughts are being activated which don't have much to do with the subject Noin is talking about*   
Zechs's thoughts: Damn, I'm so pissed, and Noin is talking about such boring things...I can't stay awake for another second...damnit Zechs, pull yourself together, you're a man of honor!...Oh shit, it's no use, I'm drifting away, well, at least they won't notice it when I'm asleep since I'm wearing my helmet... *zzzzzzz...*   
Noin: So that's why we need your help, please Zechs, I BEG YOU!   
*Zechs doesn't react*   
Noin: ...er...Zechs?   
*Zechs gives off a really loud snore*   
Duo: Oh damnit, wait, let me think...*shouts* ZECHS! SOMEONE'S TRYING TO STEAL EPYON!   
Zechs: *suddenly wakes up* PLEASE TREIZE, NOT IN THE FACE!... Oh, it was just a dream. *Zechs blushes*   
Heero: Zechs, tell us already where Wiener Schnitzel took Relena!   
Zechs: Oh yeah, well, they are on a plane to some laboratory in Berlin, I think it was...under the porn theatre next to the American embassy.   
Quatre: Are you sure? You just had some shots of whisky.   
Zechs: 100 per cent sure.   
*they leave the bar, Zechs is alone again now*   
Zechs: Another whisky plea... *throws up on the counter* urghh...sorry 'bout that.   
*The Gundam pilots fly as fast as possible to Germany, while Wiener Schnitzel and a tied up Relena are already together in a room of the laboratory*   
Wiener Schnitzel: So, Relena, with your help, Germany will be the only country of the world!   
Relena: Do you expect me to talk?   
Wiener Schnitzel: For god's sake, NO, don't you dare annoy me with your horrible voice, we just want to take some DNA from you.   
*A bullish-looking guy and someone in a doctor's outfit come, the strong guy knocks her unconscious with a hammer and the doctor uses a syringe to take some blood. When the syringe is filled, he empties it over a vial, when 10 vials are full, the doctor and Wiener Schnitzel start talking in German*   
The following German is translated for you by Christopher Rausch. Yes, that is a German name, so please, all you German readers, don't try too hard looking for grammar errors in the German parts, you won't find any, thank you. The German will be translated through subtitles.   
Doctor: Ich denke ein Liter wird reichen.   
*Subtitles pop up in fornt of the doctor*   
Subtitles: I guess one litre will be enough.   
Doctor: Was ist das? *points at the subtitles*   
Subtitles: What is that?   
Wiener Schnitzel: Ich glaube das übersetzt, was wir auf deutsch sagen.   
Subtitles: I think it translates what we say in German.   
Wiener Schnitzel: Nun, ich muss nach oben gehen, eine Rede an die Soldaten halten, fangt währenddessen an die DNS zu klonen.   
Subtitles: Well, I've got to go upstairs, to hold a speech in front of the soldiers, you will start cloning the DNA in the meantime   
*he goes upstairs and starts his speech for a few hundred soldiers*   
Wiener Schnitzel: Deutsche Soldaten!...   
Subtitles: Soldiers of Germany!...   
Wiener Schnitzel: Wir werden bald unsere Geheimwaffe besitzen, dann werden wir in der Lage sein, die Welt zu erobern!...   
Subtitles: Soon we will have our secret weapon, then we will capable of conquering the world!...   
Wiener Schnitzel: Keiner kann eine Klonarmee bestehend aus dem nervigsten Menschen auf der Welt besiegen!...   
Subtitles: No one can defeat a clone-army consisting of the most annoying Human on the planet!...   
Wiener Schnitzel: Und vergesst nicht, dass auch ihr stark seid!...   
Subtitles: And don't forget that you're also strong!...   
Wiener Schnitzel: Denn ihr seid hart wie Kruppstahl, zäh wie Juchtelleder und schnell wie ein Windhund!   
Subtitles: I love all of you hunks!   
*the crowd cheers*   
Wiener Schnitzel: Wait a second, I didn't say that last thing those fricking subtitles showed!   
Subtitles: Yes, you did.   
Wiener Schnitzel: Ok, that does it, from now on I'll stop talking German!   
*the doctor comes upstairs*   
Doctor: Mein Führer, ich bin mit der Arbeit fertig!   
Subtitles: I want to bear your child!   
Wiener Schnitzel: Shush! Stop talking German, some weirdo is in charge of the subtitles.   
Doctor: Okay.   
Wiener Schnitzel: So, the cloning is already complete? How come it was done so fast?   
Doctor: It's not a problem for our technology to produce hordes of clones in a few minutes, we have 1468514 Relenas waiting to be deployed in a hostile country.   
Wiener Schnitzel: Excellent, MUAHAHAHAHA 

End of chapter 2   



	3. Relena, the human timebomb chapter 3

Chapter 3 of 3 

Chapter 3: The war begins...and ends 

*Wiener Schnitzel and the German soldiers are already inside their mobile suits, the one Wiener Schnitzel is sitting in is about twice as big as the Virgos the soldiers are using, it has two large cannons on its shoulders*   
Wiener Schnitzel: Ok, soldiers, our target is Paris, the clones are ready to be deployed and are waiting for us to arrive, has anyone got any questions before we leave?   
*A random Virgo raises it's hand*   
Wiener Schnitzel: Yes?   
Virgo-pilot: Warum reden Sie Englisch mit uns, mein Führer?   
Subtitles: Where do all the babys come from?   
Wiener-Schnitzel: Shut up! I forbid everyone here to talk German, because these mad subtitles are trying to make fun of us!   
*The soldiers remain silent*   
Wiener Schnitzel: I think it's time to begin. Auf in den Kampf!   
Subtitles: All your base are belong to us!   
Wiener Schnitzel: grrr...   
*And they take off and fly towards Paris, meanwhile, the Gundam Pilots are still moving towards Berlin*   
Heero: Everyone! I'm being hailed by Noin. Opening channels now...   
Noin: Heero! The Germans are heading for Paris with great speed, you will have to go there first!   
Heero: Sorry, but it's more important to kill Relena, she's probably still in that laboratory.   
Noin: No, information says that there are about one and a half million Relena-clones stationed at the northern side of Paris, and all of them are carrying the virus!   
Heero: Mission accepted, everyone, we have to go to Paris at once, to kill an army of Relenas there.   
Duo: Who in the world would want Relena to be cloned so many times, I mean, what could she do anyway?   
Heero: All clones have the virus, it's going to be very difficult from now on.   
*and they changed course to Paris, the original Relena is still in Berlin, tied up and locked in a small room*   
Relena: These damn ropes are just so uncomfortable, and where's my food! How am I supposed to produce more blood if I don't have my daily caviar! ...Oh, Heero, I wish you where here right now...*silence for a few moments*...I said, I wish you were here right now, Heero!...oh darn!   
*But sudenly, a small and skinny figure in a ninja-suit kicks the door open*   
Relena: Heero...I knew you would save me.   
Ninja: No, Miss Relena, it's me, Pargan.   
Relena: Pargan? Did you come to save me?   
Pargan: Yes, I did, I drove all the way from Sanc Kingdom, following that plane, after I had knocked the guards unconscious, my back really started to hurt. I just wish I was 50 years younger.   
*Pargan unties Relena*   
Pargan: Now follow me quietly, I'll drive you back to Sanc.   
*Pargan and Relena leave, now the German troops have reached Paris, Wiener Schnitzel has oppened a channel to the commander of the Relena-transporter*   
Wiener Schnitzel: Release the clones!   
*The clones are released in the northern part of the city, immediately an enormously loud shouting begins, so loud and annoying, that the heads of all nearby persons and animals burst, also those of the German soldiers inside the transporters, all nearby cars explode, including the transporters, and the buildings the horde of Relena's clones pass collapse*   
All of the Relenas: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!   
*Meanwhile, the German Virgo suits and Wiener Schnitzel are destroying the south side of the city when suddenly the Gundams arrive*   
Heero: So the troops are here, but where are the Relenas?   
Quatre: Noin said they were at the other side of the city.   
Duo: Right, I think Heero and I should go after them, while Trowa and Quatre stay here to fight off the Germans. Wufei, you can go home and fix dinner for us.   
Wufei: Shut up, Maxwell! I'm fighting the Virgos, too!   
*Heero and Duo take off again and Quatre and Wufei charge towards the Virgos, Trowa fires his Gattling Gun at the Virgos. A few rounds hit a Virgo, destroying it, but just then a blast of another Virgo hits Heavyarms, knocking it backwards. Wufei reaches a Virgo after having evaded all the blasts it has fired at him. He stabs it with Altron's Twin Beam Trident, causing it to be destroyed, but just then another blast hits Altron from behind. When Wufei regains control over Altron again, he turns around and rushes towards the Virgo and uses its Dragon Fang to crush this one as well. Quatre heats up Sandrock's Scimitars and throws the heat waves to destroy another Virgo. The fighting goes on for a few minutes, but the 3 pilots are outnumbered, and have already taken severe damage, especially Trowa, who has to retreat from battle due to both of his Gundam's arms being disabled*   
Trowa: Sorry, but I don't think Heavyarms can take any more hits, I have to leave you guys.   
Quatre: Oh no, we don't stand a chnace against so many Virgos, Wufei.   
*Wufei destroys another Virgo with his Flamethrower, when suddenly a Virgo-pilot shouts*   
Random Virgo-pilot 1: STOOOOOP! This war thingy just sucks, I wanna go back home to Frankfurt and eat at McDonald's.   
Random Virgo-pilot 2: I'm also sick of having to kill people! Anyway, Buffy is on right now.   
Random Virgo-pilot 3: And I haven't played Metroid Prime for ages!   
Wiener Schnitzel: Silence! We Germans don't need all these stupid things from the US and Japan! We Germans have better things to do! Fast food, American tv shows and Nintendo are forbidden from now on!   
*As soon as he has finished the sentece, an uproar goes through the crowd of soldiers*   
Random Virgo-pilot 4: World domination sucks!   
Random Virgo-pilot 5: Back to Germany everyone, if we're fast we might miss Buffy but we can at least watch Angel!   
*And so they all took off to Germany again, now only Quatre, Wufei and Wiener Schnitzel are left on the battlefield*   
Wiener Schnitzel: At least I can finish you, DIE, Chinese boy!   
*Then he fires lots of blasts from his two shoulder canons, which are just two fast to evade for Wufei, leaving his Gundam disabled on the ground*   
Wiener Schnitzel: HAHA, you don't have a chance against my Virgo Deluxe, no one can defeat it alone!   
Wufei: What? I'm not alone, where did that anxious Arab go?   
*At that precise moment Sandrock jumps at Wiener Schnitzel from behind and lets its Heat Scimitars slice through the Virgo Deluxe*   
Quatre: I'm sorry about killing you.   
Wiener Schnitzel: Bastard...you always say that nonsense!   
Quatre: ...Hey, someone noticed! Alright, I just love killing people, but I want to keep the nice boy image.   
*And the Virgo Deluxe explodes, Wiener Schnitzel dies. Meanwhile, Heero and Duo face the army of Relenas*   
Duo: Death has some work to do here!   
*But before he can reach them, they all start screaming*   
All of the Relenas: HEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! YOU CAME FOR ME!!!!!!   
*Duo's Gundam collapses and all systems malfunction*   
Heero: DUO! Damn, I've got to think of something fast or Duo will die! ......I'VE GOT IT! Activating loudspeakers...REEEELEEEENAAAA!!!!!!! YOU'RE BUTT-UGLY AND I HATE YOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!   
*All Relenas in hearing range collapse and die instantly*   
Heero: DUO! Are you allright?   
Duo: Yeah...Heero...I just wanted to say...thank you.   
Heero: * actually smiling* No problem. But you'll have to excuse me, I've got to fly around Paris and kill all the Relenas.   
*And Heero does just that, all Relenas die on hearing his fatal message, after some minutes the Zero system shows that there are no more Relenas alive in Paris*   
Heero: Mission accomplished...well almost, now for the original Relena. Hnn...I guess she's still in Berlin, I've got to fetch the others.   
*So the pilots flew to Berlin, not knowing that Relena was already on the way to Sanc Kingdom, they search the porn theatre for over 30 minutes before giving up   
Quatre: Maybe...she was with the clones in Paris?   
Duo: Nonsense, they need at least one to produce more clones. *He looks at his watch*...oh...fuck...   
Heero: What is it?   
Duo: We have about ten minutes left to save the Earth!   
*Meanwhile, Pargan is driving on some freeway in Switzerland with Relena*   
Relena: Can't you go any faster, Pargan? I'm tired and want to sleep in an expensive, extra-fluffy bed, and not in the car.   
Pargan: I'd...love...to...Miss Relena...but...I'm...having...a...heart-attack...right now...   
Relena: ARGGGHHHHHH! PARGAN, THE ROAD!   
*So they crashed against a tree, the G-boys are still in the porn theatre, totally confused*   
Duo: Two hours passed since the virus should have broken out, and we're still alive...I guess you were right, Quatre. I think we should go home.   
*So they went home and got to bed, the next morning Heero reads the newspaper, while Duo is making breakfast*   
Heero: ...hnnn...so Paris is still piling up the bodies of Relenas and repairing all the damage...WHAT? Duo, you must see this! It says here that another Relena was involved in a car accident in Switzerland, with Pargan driving the car! They say Pargan had a heart-attack, which was the cause of the accident, but he's already recovering, while Relena's spine broke...They had no airbags in the back.   
Duo: Why, that's great, it's a good thing Quatre sang all these prayers. 

End of last chapter 

If you found anything offensive in this story, please e-mail me and tell me what it is, because I'm sure I didn't realize that when I wrote it and will appologize my E-mail adress is ChristopherRausch@web.de   



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